went to the doctors recently and found out the birth control change made me gain weight…. 4 pounds.. fasting tomorrow? sure thing.
“The rumbling reminds me I’ve got things under control. “
There are rare times when the hallucinations I have can be incredibly beautiful. My mind has let me see and do the impossible, things that I know no one but me will ever experience; seeing other worlds, seeing dead loved ones, flashbacks to the past so real it seems like time travel. It is quite humbling to know that my mind can give me what others can only dream of. Other people’s fictions have been my reality. Naturally those things aren’t real to others, no one else can see what I do, but for me my mind makes them as real as the real world we all live in. It’s all subjective. But as I said, those amazing times are incredibly rare. I have schizophrenia because my mind is broken and a broken mind does not have a person’s best interests at heart. A broken mind will instead torture and cause pain. My mind has put me through unimaginable horror and those other worlds I’ve seen are more often than not places of mutilation, corpses, darkness, monsters and death. I’ve seen and lived in hell. I’ve watched my loved ones die in the worst possible ways over and over again. I’ve been controlled and manipulated into things I wish I had never done by voices. I’ve been forced to relive the very worst memories from my past through flashbacks, unable to change a thing. I have believed I am dead, that I am a god, that the world would end at any moment, that my father would kill me as a child and for the last few years I have struggled with the belief that I am no longer in the real world but instead in a psychiatric hospital in a catatonic state dreaming this world and replaying the very experiences that drove me to insanity. All those are only the positive symptoms. The negative symptoms make life virtually impossible. Not being able to feel emotion the way you should, not able to cope or communicate with other people, becoming withdrawn from society, living a life that seems only like existing from day to day, unable to cope with a job, unable to go out because of the extreme anxiety it causes. I’d say it’s 10% blessing, 90% curse.
I guess what Im saying here is that I miss being innocent. Not knowing that things can go bad. Just feeling such bliss. Not having to worry about the future. Just being so… undeniably happy.
Life’s okay.
Skipped breakfast, and lunch.
Skipping dinner.
Thats it.
I’m so tired of seeing numbers go down on the scale but literally no visual weight loss. I don’t want to get extreme but I’m so tired.
Last night..
When you pull my hair.. Oh god. Hard enough that sometimes it even cracks.. The pressure is being relieved, but oh while you manipulate me into the most painful positions..
